Gosh, my title is way too mushy, it’s so not me. but just let it be, i guess it aint true love if it aint mushy.

Tonight its valentines day. Im already 21 years old and all these years valentines has just been an ordinary day to me. I receive and share love everyday in many ways and means, even if its not the 14th of February, I find nothing really extraordinary about this day, honestly. Or maybe I just feel this way because I haven’t found you yet, my special reason to celebrate today. Admittedly, I simply haven’t really experienced the thrill of having a valentine, that’s why. So tonight, let me do the cheeziest thing I have ever done in my life so far- to write to you on cyberspace, hoping that you are somewhere here in tumblr or a random reader out there. In my two months of being in here, I realize that this is the purpose of tumblr to many of its account owners - to allow you to publish the stuff you can’t help but express and yet you can’t afford to shout out to a place too public and fancy as facebook. its a win-win situation for you, you get to let down your hair, breaklose, say and post as you wish and still keep everyone from knowing it. Tumblr is nice!

Oh sorry, I got off track, I almost forgot that I’m writing to you, I thought I was writing a testimonial to Tumblrbot. :))

Ehem.. Ehem… Let’s get this on.

The thought of you thrills me. it makes my lips smile so big (although its actually big by nature), my heart beat so fast, my eyes spark, my blood rush through my veins. if you only see how I look when i think about you whenever im alone in my room, you would probably roll on the floor and laugh. out of my many prayers that God has answered in fantastic ways, I can’t describe the excitement I feel when I try to guess how He’s gonna give me the answer of having you. i wonder how our love story would be like, when where and how are we gonna meet, how you would look like and how im gonna look like with you, how we’re gonna serve the Lord together and testify to Love, tell the world that wedding and marriages aren’t obsolete, how many are we gonna add to the population of the Philippines and all that stuff. i’m excited to fall so hard, get hurt and then fall in love harder after. im excited to feel the ecstasy of the high times and to stand the challenges of the bitter times. yes, it must be better to feel hurt from time to time than feel nothing at all, like I do the past 21 years.

But at the same time, the thought of you scares me. In this world where ladies find their first boyfriend at 16 or 17, you should know how a 21 year old who never had a boyfriend since birth, like me, feels the pressure. it scares me to because I worry if you’re ever gonna go out of my imagination and come into reality. what if im bound to live the rest of my life alone? what’s taking you too long? will I ever be beautiful enough to be noticed and admired by you or anyone out there in the mean time? out of the hundreds of guys I come accross with every single day of my life, including random strangers on the street and familiar friends, how come you never saw me? or should i say how come i never saw you? and of course, that famous self-pity question “is there something wrong with me?” Nonetheless, louder than all these monologue is God’s whisper of His Promises to me, including His Promise of a forever with you. I don’t know about his timeline. I have no idea when He plans our forever to begin. But I just know it will. I just let all the panic thoughts come in and out, but afterwards I try my best to remind myself that i need not worry because I just know, one way or another, by God’s grace, soon, we’ll bump into each other somewhere, look into each other’s eyes and feel that confirmation- its you. tears would probably roll down our cheeks at that fateful moment. our road to each other has been way too long and tiring, what a relief it would be to find you finally! and i can only hope and pray you’ll feel the same way.

everyone thinks im ok. and yes its true, i am. if there’s any good about being single for the longest time, it is having the luxury of loving and enjoying life on your own, it is the independence of daring to do and achieve anything without being attached to anyone, it is taking yourself anywhere you wanna go without worrying about someone else. no pretensions, i believe i am already happy and complete on my own. for the last 21 years that i have lived with me, myself and I, I have already learned to live in harmony with my own world. truth be told, i dont think i need you just to feel happy and be successful. just like everybody else, i have my own lungs and heart and brain that keep me breathing, i have my own feet that can take me anywhere i wanna go. i can go on living on my own. but i know that there’s more to life than just living and being successful. whitney houston perfectly says it “What’s the sense of trying hard to find your dreams without someone to share it with? Tell me, what does it mean?” we are all called to love one another and procreate. and with all bravery, im willing to take the call with you. don’t you think its fantastic to marry someone who isnt marrying you because she just needs you (ie to become richer, to be more famous and successful, to wear a wedding ring, to warm her nights etc) but because she really loves you? I wanna marry you and love you for the sake of love and not for any particular reason that will soon probably fade anyway. if we’re serious about living an eternal love together, then we should keep our bond free from anything temporary and fading. I want both of us to be two complete and matured individuals who do not need to suck love and attention from each other just to keep breathing every single day. i hate toxic relationships and I bet you do too. i know it takes a while to reach that point of readiness, so let’s both take our time.

everyone thinks im wholesome. and yes i am. but that doesnt mean that i am perfectly clean. I had my own wrong turns back in high school, (hey, its not as wrong as you may think though) like you probably do too. when we start on our relationship, im gonna tell you everything, as in everything, from my highest achievements to my worst downfalls. there’s no point in playing perfect. and that’s what i encourage you to do too. i dare you to tell me all about your past, dirts and all, and I assure you that for as long as you have moved on from them and you declare them done, then I would love and respect you the same way. im not looking for a perfect guy, don’t worry, because i myself aint perfect. i want us to live in a culture of honesty, of full trust that we can be who we truly are, in the presence of each other, and be loved, or atleast accepted, the same way.

i’m not your ordinary girl. im sure you noticed that. its probably one of the many reasons why you had to take this long to convince yourself that i am a woman. and i understand. for once, i got confused with my own, too. haha. i was raised in a motor shop, with my dad. i used to replace spark plugs and some spare parts of automobiles. when im too relaxed, i sit like a man. i dont care about how my hair and dress looks like, as long as im comfortable, i wear it - even if its my dad’s shirt. my voice is as deep as that of a man. i dont have a collection of signature bags and shoes and perfumes etc. (hey, that spells a lot of savings for you :) i prefer rubber shoes over high-heels. like i said, as long as im comfortable, im solved. i understand why oftentimes many people conclude that i am lesbian. but i believe that for as long as i know who and what i am, then i dont need to change anything. i dont want to sacrifice my comfort and preference just to be like everybody else. maybe let’s just say that there are many types of woman today. and im not the common type. i’m strong and tough, both in the mental and physical aspect. and i hope that doesnt make you feel insecure. :-)

Let me tell you a bit about how I dream the two of us to be. My favorite celebrity couple is Judy Ann-Ryan Agoncillo. Soon, you will know how much I hate TV, but when it comes to these 2 fantastic people, I’d watch. You know why? It’s not because I like each of them as a celebrity but because I’m a fan of their love. Their wedding is my all-time favorite. I don’t know how to explain it well, but when I see them together, I become inspired to love like that too. I know its a bit too corny, but when i watched their wedding, I cried. because i long to be adored like the way ryan does to judy ann. I’m also beginning to like the YouTube couple Ja-Mich, and  Daddy O & Mommy Joie (soon you’ll meet them). No, I don’t mean to say that I want us to be famous. What I want is for our union to have a greater purpose than itself. Ryan & Judy Ann’s union gave birth to 3 or more movies that brought joy to thousands of viewers. Jamich is giving so much inspiration to other young couples. Mom & Dad are God-sent parents to those who are abandoned by their biological parents, whether literally or emotionally. I don’t want our love and joy to be exclusively just for the two of us, because the truth is, no matter how inlove we are, i know it’ll fade away, but if we have a higher purpose as a couple, then that should keep our bond stronger and more meaningful. Maybe we could be a couple who will bring some kids back to school, or maybe we will do counseling. I dont know. I just really want us to be a gift to the world.

im talking too much blah blah here. i know that you guys dont like talking a lot. So let me just say a prayer for you:

Lord Jesus Christ, I praise and honor your Most Holy Name for the gift of Love. I thank you for being the One true source of this overflowing Love in my heart, which I can’t help but share. Tonight I take time and humility to approach your Holy Throne and pray for the man that you have destined for me, the man I shall soon call my better half, the father of my future kids.. Lord I pray that you always keep him under your protection. Protect him from all the temptations and harms of this world. May you always bless and prosper the work of his hands. Always lead him to the right people and endeavors. Crown his efforts with success. May he never cease to love and respect his own parents and siblings and earn the same in return. Allow him to grow his talents and skills, strengths and yes, his riches too, so that we may become the best parents that we can be when its our turn. May he passionately serve and worship you. Make him grow more and more like You each day. Be the Lord of his Life and our future. Let him be the son whom you will forever be delighted and proud to have.

My dear, I’m glad to have felt your presence tonight. But I’ll be even more delighted to feel & see you for real, of course. though I don’t know how long its gonna take. Meanwhile, let’s prepare each other’s rooms in our hearts…. until then.

“Somehow through the lonely nights,

I will leave a light in the dark,

Let it lead you to my heart…”